


Asana

by orphan_account



Series: A Beginner's Guide to Elven Mating Rituals [1]
Category: LazyTown
Genre: Because its a thing i like, Elves have Ruts (tm), Gen, Pre-Relationship, Robbie Wears Sweats, Some language - thus the rating, Sportacus Has A Sexual Crisis, Stephanie is a pure cinnamon roll, Trixie will be Lazytown's next villain we all agree on this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:10:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9170134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Robbie has started Yoga. Sportacus, while happy for him, does not realize the trouble he's in until Robbie asks him for pose help.And then he knows he's in way over his head.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for Pelissa-art.tumblr.com. Go check her out! She's glorious and wonderful!! And a beautiful human being!!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this silly story. It's much longer than I anticipated, and I've decided to branch out and make it a little 'verse!
> 
> OH ALSO I used Yoga.com for the pose names. So If you're curious about what Poses Robbie does, that's where they show examples!

It was actually very concerning. Stephanie had never seen Sportacus sit still for so long. Okay, so he wasn’t so much sitting still as he was bouncing on the balls of his feet near the net, but. Still. He wasn’t doing any sort of flips, or jumping jacks, and sometimes when someone would ace a hit he’d barely notice. Clearly, Sportacus was somewhere else mentally. 

 

“Here Stingy,” She handed off her tennis racket gently. “I’ll be right back. Play for me?”

 

“Awe, come on. I don’t want him on my team!” Trixie stomped a foot. Stephanie leveled a look at her just as Stingy added ‘but it’s my team now’ which prompted more yelling. She sighed, gave Pixel a ‘sorry’ look across the net (he wasn’t pleased) before running over to their ref. 

 

Sportacus didn’t even notice her come over.

 

“Hi Sportacus.”

 

“Oh,” the man seemed to shake himself before turning his attention to Stephanie. “Hello Stephanie. Is the game over?” She motioned over her shoulder at the yelling. He looked perplexed, like he’d never noticed, and hummed. “Oh dear.”

 

“It’s on pause,” she offered blithely, then tucked her hands behind her back. “You seem distant.”

 

“But I’m right here.”

 

“Don’t be ob...obtic...don’t be silly.” She’d forgotten the word Pixel had used. Obtice? Optic? Obtuse? “You know what I mean. You’re like a million zillion miles away in your brain.”

 

“That’s a lot of miles,” Sportacus smiled at her, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. That was  _ very _ concerning. 

 

“What are you thinking about?” 

 

Defeated, Sportacus bent down into a crouch beside her. “It’s about Robbie,” he offered. “He’s been really tired lately, and won’t sleep well. I’ve been trying to get him to do  _ any  _ kind of exercise. Surely that would help him sleep, right?”

 

“Jogging?”

 

“Tried it.”

 

“What about just long walks?”

 

“Tried that too.”

 

“Hmm,” Stephanie crossed her arms. “Racket ball?”

 

“Says it hurts his wrists.”

 

“Golf!”

 

“Too much walking.”

 

“But you can ride in a cart.”

 

“What are you all doing?” Pixel approached, apparently giving up on the tennis match. 

 

“We’re trying to think up something Robbie can do that’s excersize but like, not a lot?” Stephanie motioned. “I already said golf.”

 

“What about hacking?”

 

“That’s not an exercise, Pixel,” Sportacus ruffled his dreadlocks. 

 

“Cricket!” Stingy shouted from the net. 

 

“Cricket isn’t a sport, it’s a bug!” Trixie countered, and they dissolved into another argument. 

 

“What about catch?” Ziggy plopped down next to Pixel and produced a sour apple lolli from his pocket. “Oh wait, he’d need another person for that.”

 

And so it went on. Nearly ten minutes went by like this, and then fifteen. Stingy and Trixie eventually gave up on one another and sat down with the group. The kids ended up sitting on the ground in various positions, spouting off types of games and sports--even made up ones. Sportacus went from crouching, to sit-ups, to hand stand push-ups, to jumping jacks, and shot down every one they came up with. Except quidditch.

 

“I don’t think Robbie can fly,” Pixel pointed out.

 

“He could probably make a broom that could,” Trixie intoned. Pixel looked excited at the prospect.

 

Baseball? Tried it. Basketball? Too bouncy. Football? Too many head-on collisions. Cheerleading? Too much flipping. Soccer? Too many shin splints. Gymnastics? Same thing.

 

“What about yoga?”

 

“What’s yoga?” Ziggy looked up from where he’d been gnawing on his sucker stick, the lollipop candy part long since gone. Stephanie cheered up when she saw Sportacus’ face go from downtrodden to thoughtful. 

 

“It’s stretching! Sort of. But like, super slow. My mom teaches it during the winter. You like, twist around, and lay on the ground, and then do funny things with your legs.” She wiggled dramatically. “Some of them have funny names, like Sun Salutation. And Downward Dog.”

 

“What’s a salutation?”

 

“I dunno,” she admitted. “It’s a fun word though.”

 

“I haven’t suggested Yoga,” Sportacus lowered himself from a handstand into a sitting position next to Stephanie. “That is a very good idea, Stephanie.”

 

“I have a video my mom bought,” she shot to her feet. “I’ll go get it! You can take it to Robbie. She wanted me to use it cause it’s for beginners, but I think it’s boring cause it’s so slow. I’ll be right back!”

 

“I’ll come,” Trixie hopped up. “I don’t want to be left with all these yucky boys. And Sportacus.”

 

“I am a boy,” Sportacus laughed. 

 

“Yeah, but you’re like. An adult, so you’re not  _ yucky _ .”

 

The two girls ran off snickering as Stingy yelled about frequency of bathing. Pixel just looked tired.

 

“Well,” Sportacus clapped. “While we wait for them, how about you three verses me?”

 

“Three on one isn’t fair,” Pixel chirped. Sportacus winked. 

 

“I’m pretty quick.”

 

“You’re on!”

 

\--

 

“They’re just laying on the floor,” Trixie was trailing after Stephanie as they headed back for the park. She had, of course, commandeered the DVD and was examining it closely. “Like they’re just...laying on mats?”

 

“It’s the base pose. Sunnysannah,” Stephanie offered, trying very hard to sound the word out. “Santa-sannah?”

 

“It’s called ‘laying on the floor’,” Trixie offered the DVD back, unimpressed.  _ YOGA: BEGIN TO CALM YOUR MIND AND BODY  _ was written in large, angry letters across the top. And in truth, everyone on the front cover  _ was _ laying down. Stephanie shrugged. 

 

“My mom says it’s real hard. Like, fancy stretching?”

 

“I wouldn’t call layin’ down  _ stretching _ . Don’t think Sportacus will either.”

 

“Well,” Stephanie sniffed. “He seemed pleased.”

 

“Yeah, well. I doubt Robbie’ll even want to look at it. Even if all it  _ is _ is laying around. You know how he is, anything that even smells like Sportacus he’ll start yelling up a storm. Or turn himself into a banana.”

 

“That  _ was _ pretty funny.”

 

“Yeah,” Trixie smiled, thoughtful. “Yeah it was.”

  
“There they are, by the kickball field. Sportacus!” The girls started running, their shouts causing a pause in the mini-game of kick-to-each-other the boys were playing. Sportacus lit up when Stephanie approached with the DVD and thanked her profusely. 

 

“I’ll take it to him tomorrow,” The man smiled brightly and proceeded to toss the DVD over his shoulder. Pixel watched it somersault through the air and just...disappear. He blinked rapidly, pointed at the space where the DVD  _ no longer was _ , but nobody else had noticed. Nobody seemed to notice weird things Sportacus did, so Pixel never brought it up. Still.  _ Weird _ . “Let’s play a game of proper kickball, yes?”

 

“Yeah!” 

 

\--

 

Forty-two hours.

 

Robbie had had a wonderful, lengthy, forty-two hours Sportacus-free. It had been quiet. It had been dark, and damp, and cold, and relaxing. And insufferably boring. The one thing he hadn’t counted on was Sportadork being a source of  _ entertainment _ for him. He had television, and his inventions, and his sewing and his baking--he had plenty to do.

 

But then again, he hadn’t slept in around forty-eight hours, so he’d sort of run out of ideas. His brain was tired, but also stubborn, and didn’t want to let him sleep.

 

“Okay,” Robbie said to no one in particular. “We’ll try doing long division this time. Ten divided by--”

 

“Hello Robbie!”

 

“Hosiery!” Robbie flailed dramatically and slipped off his chair. Sportacus looked concerned, just barely sticking his landing at the base of Robbie’s tube entry, before hurrying over.

 

“Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you.”

 

“You didn’t startle me, I was dancing,” Robbie stood up abruptly and brushed invisible dust off of his (very wrinkled) vest. Sportacus didn’t look particularly convinced. “What have you come to annoy me with today, Sportanerd?” It took Sportacus a moment, but he caught up and then immediately smiled. Robbie felt his stomach drop.

 

“I’ve brought you a video,” Sportacus held it out abruptly. His smile didn’t waver, even under Robbie’s intense studying. “Come on,” he goaded, wiggling the DVD case. 

 

“What is is about?” Robbie took it and eyed the angry red letters on the top. His nervousness faded into confusion. “Yoga?”

 

“Yoga! It’s stretching.” Also exercising. But if Sportacus used that word, the war was lost. “I thought perhaps it may help you sleep. Stephanie said her mother does this.”

 

“...They’re just laying on the floor.” And they were. Everyone in the cover photo was just laying on mats. Just. Laying on the floor. Robbie eyed the flouncy elf with not a small amount of disbelief. “Doing nothing.”

 

“Ah, that’s the  _ resting _ pose,” Sportacus pointed. “Stephanie says there are others! And it moves very slow. It’s supposed to be very relaxing.”

 

“Well,” Robbie tossed the DVD case on his chair and crossed his arms. “I’ll perhaps take a look.” If laying on a mat would convince Sportacus he was actually doing something active, Robbie could get behind that. Maybe the man would leave him alone to sleep in peace. “Now, shoo. I’m busy.”

 

“But you were just--”

 

“Busy,” Robbie grabbed Sportacus gently by the shoulders before turning him around abruptly and marching him back towards the ladder. The elf had the gall to  _ laugh.  _ “Busy, very busy. Now why don’t you go and hunt down those midgets before they come crying around here looking for their hero.”

 

“Are you sure you don’t want--”

 

“Whatever you’re about to offer, the answer is no. Unless it’s cake, but I highly doubt it.”

 

“Okay, okay,” Sportacus chuckled and started back up the shoot. He paused briefly to look back down at Robbie, who just cocked a brow at him. “Do you promise you’ll take a look?”

 

“Yes yes, I promise. Whatever,” Robbie waved a hand dismissively. “Now, go away!”

 

“Okay, Robbie.” Sportacus grinned at him, pleased, and pulled himself nimbly up the shoot. Robbie watched him until he heard the hatch above click and lock back into place, only then letting out a sigh of relief.

 

Suddenly he was very much awake again.

 

“Damnit, Sportatorte.” He scowled at the hatch for a moment before he turned and went back to his chair. The colorful DVD cover glared up at him from the seat. With hesitation, he picked it up and turned it over to read the back thoughtfully. “ ‘ _ To embrace the body and mind, and find balance.’ _ Sounds like a hoax.”

 

Thirty minutes later found in him a pair of sweatpants he’d forgotten he’d owned, and a t-shirt. The rug was out and the TV on the play screen. A woman with beads in her hair and a calm voice was welcoming him to the beginners guide to Yoga.

 

_ Our poses are called Asanas, _ she sighs, self-content. Robbie lifts a brow at her. Is she high?  _ We’ll begin in the Bound Angle pose. Sit carefully on your mat and relax your shoulders. A deep, steady breath. Now, place your feet in front of you, sole to sole. Lay your hands on your knees and press gently. It’s alright if they don’t touch the floor, don’t press to hard. Just enough to feel it, not enough to hurt. Good. Now close your eyes. Breathe...two...three...four...exhale...two...three..four...again. _

 

The music was soothing. Slow, barely-there. It had a fountain playing in the background. Robbie muttered ot himself for the first few minutes, but eventually the soothing music and the calm, monotonous voice of the instruct had him feeling...surprisingly relaxed. 

 

_ Good. Now, we’ll move into Hare Pose, which will help us transition into some of the beginner Asanas… _

 

\--

 

One Week Later found the kids back at the park. Robbie had all but been forgotten about. Oddly enough, he hadn’t even shown up. No costumes, no plans, no tricks. They’d played every day, and Sportacus was usually around to assist. They were out today playing basketball when Stephanie realized something.

 

“Hey,” She tossed the ball to Stingy, who dribbled it, then just held onto it and ran for the goal. Pixel cried out and Trixie took off after him, making Stephanie laugh. “Hey, guys. Have you all noticed Robbie hasn’t been around?”

 

“No,” Trixie admitted. She wrestled the ball away from Stingy aggressively before crowing in triumph. “Why would we?”

 

“I mean, he hasn’t tried to trick Sportacus in like...forever.”

 

“That’s true,” Sportacus hummed, then hurried over when he thought Trixie and Stingy may come to blows. “Hey now, friendly game. Remember?”

 

“Not my fault he broke the rules,” Trixie muttered.

 

“Do you think something happened to him?” Pixel and Ziggy had paused, move invested in Stephanie’s question since Sportacus seemed to have accidently landed himself in the middle of yet another Stingy-Trixie-Showdown. 

 

“Sportacus’ crystal would have gone off though,” Ziggy pointed out.

 

“Yeah,” Stephanie agreed. “But maybe we should check on him?”

 

“Why?” Ziggy tipped his head. “He’s kinda mean.”

 

“And weird.”

 

“And--”

 

“Don’t be rude,” Stephanie tucked her fists against her hips. Both boys looked apologetic. “I’m going to go check on him. Don’t let Sportacus get run over by Trixie and Stingy, okay? I’ll be  _ right back _ .”

 

“Okay,” Pixel saluted. “We’ll be on guard.”

 

“Good idea, Agent Pixel.” Stephanie saluted back, then cast a “sneaky” look at Sportacus before sneaking off. She didn’t want to worry their friend by sneaking off, but Robbie was  _ also _ their friend. Even if they didn’t see him all that much and he didn’t play their games, he  _ had _ started to sit out in the park with them. He would help her sometimes with her math homework, and Pixel and he had gotten close bonding over machines. So she was suitably worried.

 

She hopped around the billboard and tugged gently at the “hidden” door there. Sure enough it popped open, and she bounced in and hurried over to knock on the dome top hatch she knew lead to Robbie’s house under the ground. And, politeness being important, she knocked twice.

 

“Robbie!”

 

Silence. Frowning, Stephanie knocked again before pressing her ear against the dome. “Robbie?”

 

_ What? _

 

She jumped a little and came face-to-face with a speaker shaped like an angry mouth. It was kind of cute and made her giggle. “It’s Stephanie!”

 

_ What do you want? _

  
“I wanted to come make sure you were okay! We haven’t seen you in a long time and I was worried.” She tucked her hands behind her back. “Do you want to come play with us?”

 

_ I’m busy. _

 

“Come on, just for a little bit?”

 

_ I’m doing that Yoga thing. _

  
That, made Stephanie grin. “Oh boy! You are? Do you like it? I tried to do it once, but it’s kind of boring by yourself.”

 

_ Can you do the Plow Pose? _

 

“I don’t know what that one is, but probably. I can do a lot of them cause of dance class.”

 

_ If I let you in will you help me? _

 

“Sure Robbie!” She looked down when the hatch clicked and sent a little wave at the angry mouth speaker before hauling the hatch open. It was heavy, and had her huffing as she climbed down into the tube, but it wasn’t so bad. “You’ll have to show me which one you’re talking about. I don’t know their names, they’re complicated.”

 

“This one.” Robbie was standing by a surprisingly large television. Stephanie wandered up to him, and though she was a little shocked at the fact his hair was messy and he was wearing sweats, she didn’t say anything. Instead she looked at the TV, a lady on her back with her arms back behind her and her legs over her head. “Plow pose?”

 

“OH! Yeah, that’s easier than it looks. Hang on,” She stepped out of her sneakers and set them aside before sitting on the floor. “Okay so first you gotta lay down like this.”

 

“How do you get your arms--”

 

“One step at a time!”

 

“Okay okay, geez. You’re bossy.”

 

“My mom says I’m assertive and that it will be good for me when I get older and into the business world.”

 

“Your mother sounds smart.”

 

“She’s a dentist.”

 

“I thought she taught yoga?”

 

“Sometimes in Winter. It’s a hobby, like dancing.”

 

“...okay anyway, so I lay down like this?”

 

“Good, and then you put your arms back like this…”

 

\--

 

“Where’s Stephanie?”

 

“I dunno,” Pixel lied. He felt a little bad about it, but he was trying to help Stephanie out. “She said she’d be back.”

 

“Oh. Okay, well. Sportacus is on my team then!”

 

“No fair, Stingy!”

 

“Oh, guys...come on…”

  
  


\--

 

“Where’s Stephanie?”

 

“I dunno. Have you seen her?”

 

“No, I haven’t.”

 

“I stopped by her house, but her uncle said she’d already gone out.”

 

“Weird. Sportacus, is she okay?”

 

“My crystal hasn’t gone off. Perhaps she’s studying, she has those summer classes.”

 

“Yuck,” says Trixie. “Come on, lets go play pirates!”

 

\--

 

A few days later, Sportacus was getting worried. None of the kids had seen Stephanie in about three days, and though his crystal hadn’t gone off, Sportacus was starting to become concerned. It wasn’t often he went so long without seeing the kids, and the fact her Uncle hadn’t seen her except for meals made him worry.

 

Luckily, he didn’t have to worry long. 

 

It was nearly the weekend, and the kids had been talking about a trip to the beach. If they could find Stephanie, at least. They’d borrow her uncle to get them there, since Sportacus wasn’t too keen on the kids climbing all the way up to his ship. He was on his way to the park early for a few warm-ups when he flipped over one of the walls and nearly landed on, low and behold, Miss Stephanie Meanswell.

 

“Whoa!”

 

“Sorry Stephanie! I didn’t see you there,” he beamed at her. “Goodness, I am glad to see you! Where have you been?”

 

“Oh! I’ve been at Robbie’s every day. We finished the beginners Yoga video and we’re starting on Intermediate today! And I’ve also been teaching him some dance moves, that’s why I’m in my practice stuff.” She held out her leg to show him her kitty-cat print tights and fluffy leg warmers. “He’s gotten really good!”

 

“You mean he’s actually doing the yoga?” Sportacus blinked rapidly. “ _ And _ he’s dancing?”

 

“Sort of. His balance needs to get better, but he’s super good at the Yoga stuff! He’s been practicing this whole time.”

 

Sportacus smiled. “We should probably meet the other kids first though. They’re worried.”

 

“But I’ve been talking to Pixel,” She frowned a moment, and Sportacus frowned back. “Oh, no. I bet he thought I didn’t want anybody knowing! I bet he feels bad. Okay, we’ll go talk to the gang!” She grabbed Sportacus’ hand and started to tug him along. “Poor Pixel! I didn’t want him to fib for me!”

 

“We’ll have to talk about that,” Sportacus chided. “That wasn’t very nice of you. We were all worried.”

 

“Sorry,” her ears turned pink. “I was just worried about Robbie, cause he’s been gone. You know? And I thought if we all went it’d scare him or something so…”

 

“I understand. But you’ll need to apologize to your friends.”

 

“I will,” she nodded. “Come on!”

 

\--

 

The other children were suitably annoyed, but kindly forgiving. Some tears were shed (Ziggy), and Stingy was insufferable about being allowed to choose the game they played as  _ compensation _ , which...why did a twelve year old know that word? In context?

 

Anyway, after the initial apology and hugging-out, Sportacus was happy to see the kids bouncing back into their usual routine. He stood to the side as they began to set up a game of tag, arms crossed over his chest. He’d play referee, which mostly meant telling Stingy or Trixie that no, throwing a rock doesn’t count as tagging someone and  _ yes _ , Stingy, she did touch you on the shoulder. I saw it.

 

An hour later, now enthralled in a game of freeze-tag and currently frozen and waiting for sweet release of someone setting him free, something ate at him. Something in the back of his mind was whispering that he’d forgotten something, and it was really quite bothersome. His crystal didn’t go off, which meant no one was in trouble. Not that he’d forget that--

 

“Hurry hurry!” Pixel laughed and ran by, patting Sportacus on the elbow. “You’re free!” They both took off, running from Ziggy now who had apparently been it. Sportacus made a point to go a little slower than usual for the seven-year-old. He was a tiny thing. “Run!”

 

“I’m running!” Sportacus chuckled, ducked around a park bench to survey the battlefield. Ziggy had already tagged Stephanie, who had chosen a rather amusing funny pose to be frozen in, and was currently after Pixel. And on the other side of the park stood--

 

“Robbie!” Sportacus chirped. Stephanie looked like she’d just remembered, too, and broke her pose to cover her mouth with surprise. 

 

“Oh no! Our routine!”

 

“S’alright, Pinky. I figured you’d be here.”

 

“I’m so sorry Robbie! I didn’t mean to worry you!”

 

“I wasn’t  _ worried _ ,” Robbie lied and waved a hand at her. “Just wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen in a hole or something and died.”

 

“Oh no, and I’m already all muddy from playing,” she looked down at her shoes. 

 

“Pinky, chill.” Robbie rolled his eyes. “I was coming by to borrow your springy blue friend anyway.”

 

“Me?” Sportacus made his way over, carefully weaving around Trixie who was now frozen. Stephanie quickly went back to her pose, but keep an eye on Sportacus and Robbie. “What can I do for you, Robbie?”

 

“I need some help,” Robbie admitted. “You’re my best bet for something like this.” And wasn’t that ominous? Sportacus frowned a little but Robbie just waved him off and started back towards the billboard. “Come on, Sportadork. I don’t have all day.”

 

“Are you wearing sweatpants? In public?” Sportacus hopped the fence and started after his friend. “Why do they say Juicy?”

 

“I’m answering exactly none of those three questions,” Robbie countered. “Are you coming or not?”

 

“Coming, coming!”

 

\--

 

The walk to the billboard is pleasant, if not a little short. Robbie talks animatedly about something--he’s changed topics three times now--and Sportacus nods and chimes in if and when he has an opinion. Or a question.

 

Still, as interesting as Robbie knew he was? Sportacus seemed distracted. Odd, considering the elf had an eye for detail and razor-sharp focus. Seriously, it’s like he had invited the phrase ‘turn on a dime.’ Precision was probably his middle name--so on, so far, et cetera. The point was, Sportacus was distracted. Robbie would look over at him, seeking opinions, and Sportacus would be a fraction too late in responding. Clearly his mind was elsewhere.

 

“Listen,” Robbie stepped through the not-so-hidden ‘hidden’ door in the cow billboard that lead to the silo top of his bunker. “If I’m not that interesting--”

 

“No, no. I’m sorry, I just.” Sportacus trailed off when Robbie leaned down to work the hatch open. “I’ve never seen you so casual.”

 

“You’ve seen my pajamas,” Robbie pointed out casually before he climbed into the entrance tube. When Sportacus turned cherry-red, Robbie grinned, then slid down the ladder instead of using the rungs. Sportacus climbed in after him after a moment and pulled the hatch shut behind him as he started down the ladder. 

 

“That’s different.”

 

“I’ll say, I’m actually dressed.” Robbie bounced once he hit the floor and moved over to his living area. He’d already put the rug out and his new Yoga Mat he’d made out of some cooshy foam. The position he was struggling with was paused on the television. The ‘wide-legged forward bend with hands in namaste.’ The problem being the namaste part. It wasn’t hard when he was upright, but trying to talk his arms into twisting that way behind his back was...hard. Especially since he couldn’t see them. “What I need you to do his help me get my arms to do what hers are,” he motioned at the screen. It wasn’t hard to start the pose--set his feet wide and bend down until his head was practically on the floor. He could see Sportacus from here, behind him and upside down. “This part is easy, the arms--hello?” Robbie snapped twice between his knees, trying to get the elf’s attention.

 

\--

 

Robbie just split. Okay, Robbie  _ nearly _ split. The crown of his head was touching the floor and his feet were spread wide enough Sportacus knew his hips were aching at the angle. His ass was up, sweats pulled tight around it, and Sportacus felt light-headed for a moment. All the blood vanished from his head to pool in his cheeks and  _ other places _ , and he slowly brought his hand up to cover his mouth. 

 

Oh, no.

 

The snapping drew his eyes more from instinct than actually paying attention.

 

“Earth to Sportaloser,” Robbie snapped again. “Eyes down here. You’re supposed to be helping m--”

 

“What pose is this?”

 

Robbie blinked at him before standing back up. It caused him to arch his back as he came up, and Sportacus bit his knuckle at the motion. Robbie, despite his gangly appearance, had such a  _ grace _ to him. Sportacus could move, but Robbie was like fluid pouring out of a glass. He even made falling look elegant, which. Sportacus just made it look like a train wreck.

 

Robbie was talking to him.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s called forward bend,” Robbie repeated. He looked smug, and Sportacus felt his ears twitch beneath his hat. The smugness grew, and Sportacus watched Robbie double over and place his hands on the floor. And then left his leg.  _ Into a perfect sideways split _ . “This is downward-facing dog, left leg raised. I still can’t get my foot flat on the floor when I split, but I’m getting close.”

 

Oh, and he was. Sportacus wanted to whine. Or growl. Or step up behind him and press on his ankle, see just how far he could spread that split. And this was only the beginning. 

  
Camel pose. Half-wheel. Revolved triangle. One-legged bridge pose.

 

Robbie moved like liquid, flowing from one Asana into the next without fail. He named them as he moved, deliberate and slow, and Sportacus felt rooted to the spot. It was so  _ sensual _ , the arch and flex, and dip and slide. The bend of his back, the lift of his legs, the relaxed expression Robbie fell into as his Asanas changed over and over.

 

Robbie was doubled-over, arms behind him, in something called a Peacock-pose when Sportacus felt something in his head snap. Ancient and old,  _ primal _ , surfaced suddenly when Robbie sighed. It was like he’d forgotten Sportacus was there, and suddenly the thumb Sportacus had been chewing on tasted like ozone--like magic. 

 

“You’re doing great,” he squeaked. His voice cracked, much to his chagrin. Robbie stood abruptly, apparently having  _ actually forgotten his audience _ , and blinked at Sportacus like he’d never seen him before. “I have to go.”

 

“Are--are you  _ growling _ at me?”

 

“Good luck on your pose Robbie I’ll see you later.”

 

“Sportacus!” 

Too late. Sportacus practically kicked the hatch shut and used that leverage to vault over the railing and down the stairs. The ‘hidden’ door swung wildly on its hinges and he took off at record speed. He could feel it clawing at him, the primal growl rumbling in his chest. A different kind of magic--not the friendly fun make-the-flowers-grow kind but the old,  _ old _ magic of his kin was waking up. And that was bad. Very bad. Very Very Bad ™. 

 

“Sportacus?” The kids’ voices had a doppler effect at the speed he was going, darting over a wall and  _ through their game of tag _ to get to where he’d parked the airship. Louder for a split second and then fading away.

 

“ _ Hi kids I’ll see you tomorrow. Ladder!” _

 

He hadn’t noticed that last bit wasn’t English.

 

-

 

It left the kids in confusion as Sportacus scaled the ladder. They looked between one another, boggled. They’d seen Sportacus move, but never  _ that fast _ . He’d been a blur. And they weren’t entirely sure the words he’d shouted at them had been english. 

 

“Was that Elven?”

 

“I dunno. Does Sportacus speak elvish? Elven?”

 

“Probably, that’s probably where is accent is from,” Pixel shrugged. “And it depends on which literature you read. I think both Elvish and Elven are correct.”

 

“Hi kids,” Robbie wheezed. They all turned to look at Robbie, who was propped up against a bench and panting heavily. Had he  _ run _ here?  _ Had Robbie Rotten run somewhere? _ “Have you seen Sportaflop?”

 

The kids just silently pointed  _ up, _ which made Robbie groan in defeat and sit on the bench. 

 

“What did you  _ do  _ to him?” Trixie cut in. The other kids joined in, and Robbie looked suitably afraid.

 

“Nothing!”

 

“You did something!” Stephanie pointed. “Tell us.”

 

“Now, kids--”

 

“Get him!”

 

They got to see Robbie run again, mostly because he was running  _ away _ from them. 

 

\--

 

The floor had barely sealed before Sportacus was all but  _ ripping _ his vest, trying to unhook the crystal from its housing. Everything was just a little fuzzy at the edges, blurring with auras and life-forces. He could practically  _ feel _ the lives of the people in the town, thrumming strong.

 

_ “Call Nine.” _

 

**Calling, Hero Nine: Íþróttaálfurinn,** the Ship offered politely. Sportacus yanked his hat off his head and threw it unkindly onto his bed, his crystal and its housing held almost too-tightly in his hand. A moment later, a panel on his ship parted to reveal a moderately sized view screen, and a familiar face appeared. The darker eyes of his kin, Ithro, looked at him with surprise.

  
The Heroes  _ rarely _ called one another, unless absolutely needed. 

 

“Ten,” Ithro offered cordially. “Is something the--oh dear. Your eyes.”

 

“I have read your assessment of Mayhem Town,” Sportacus interrupted. Nine looked suitably displeased about it. “You mention a Glaepur. Glanni Glaepur.”

 

“He would be my villain,” Nine agreed. “Sneaky bastard, poisoned a whole town.”

 

“Is it against the Code to be close with our Villains?” Sportacus grit out. Nine blinked, then understanding dawned on him.

 

“Ah, that would explain the eyes,” Ithro motioned at his own. “You’re pupils. No, it isn’t against the Code unless it’s, of course, hurting them. Least as far as I understand. I’ve chosen to take it that way. You know how Fae are, if you don’t word something explicitly we can manipulate it.”

 

“So it’s vague.”

 

“Exceptionally,” Nine looked pleased.  _ That _ made Sportacus sputter, fingers flexing around his crystal casing. Ithro laughed. “Sportacus, your pupils have gone narrow, and you’re practically radiating aggression. You want to mate with your Villain?”

 

“ _ No _ , I--”

 

“Oh, that’s right! You’re so young, I had almost forgotten. Have you ever mated with someone?”

 

Sportacus’ silence spoke volumes. Ithro laughed, and was still laughing when Sportacus practically kicked the ‘off’ switch in the wall hard enough to break it. The connection cut out and he was left practically vibrating. Anger rolled off him in waves. HIs crystal vibrated, almost egging him on. 

 

“ _ No _ ,” he told it and set it firmly on his bed. “Robbie is my  _ best friend _ . I do not want to…” He trailed off. HIs face heated up abruptly and his fingers twitched. He could  _ see _ Robbie in his mind’s eye, bent over like that. Imagine him laid out over one of those work benches, long fingers scrambling at the edges of the table while Sportacus left bite marks, sharp little scars, all over his shoulders. Mine.  _ Mine _ . 

 

“Best friend!” He shouted, pointing at his crystal. It vibrated almost in amusement. “Stop that! I’m too young to mate!”

 

Which was a lie, he was well into his peek. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he was sprung into a rut. The crystal hummed in agreement at the thought. Rut.

 

“I’m taking a shower,” Sportacus offered abruptly and stomped his way into the bathroom. 

 

\--

 

The crystal was officially on Time Out, and had been docked in one of the wall compartments. Close enough to the bed that Sportacus could still hear it if it went off, but far enough away he could ignore it’s annoying smugness. 

 

The airship seemed entirely indifferent on Sportacus’ problems, and its engines hummed in the background as he tried to sleep. Now and again he’d glance at the chromometer on his wall. 8:08 had passed a long time ago, now creeping into the ten-o’clock hour.

 

He was a little afraid to go to sleep.

 

The shower had helped. It cooled the fire in him, relaxed his shoulders. He could feel his aggression wash away down the drain, which was good. That meant he hadn’t been put into a full rut--the problem was that it was a precursor. He  _ could be _ . And that was a Very Bad Thing ™ for him to be pushed into. He couldn’t afford one at the moment. One, he had responsibilities he couldn’t just drop for however-long it would last. Two, the crystal seemed fixated on Robbie now, because it hummed at every thought of him. Three, just no.

 

_ No _ .

 

But he  _ knew _ what Robbie was doing. Knew what Robbie  _ looked like _ doing it. If he wasn’t pulling pranks or getting into trouble, what was he doing? Yoga. Stretching. Wearing comfortable, frumpy clothes and looking so serene as he moved that--

 

“It has to stop,” Sportacus breathed and sat up abruptly, feeling fuzzy. “I have to make it stop.”

The problem was that Sportacus was not very good a sabotage. He wasn’t meant for that, he was meant to help. And if he twisted his own words he could say that stopping Robbie from doing... _ that _ ...which would keep Sportacus from feeling  _ this _ , which would mean he could focus on the rest of his responsibilities without. You know. 

 

But he still had to think of a way to keep someone from exercising, which was already a ridiculous notion. He laid back down, frowning to himself.

 

“I’ll need help,” he settled. And he knew just who to ask.

 

\--

\--

 

“Okay,” Trixie crossed her arms over her chest. Honestly, if Stephanie was the scariest twelve-year-old, Trixie was the scariest thirteen-year-old. She may surpass Stephanie in scariness sometimes, mostly because there was an edge to Trixie. A very sharp, thin edge that Sportacus was currently walking like a tightrope. “Let’s go over this again. You want  _ me _ , to convince Robbie that Yoga isn’t for him.”

 

“Yes,” Sportacus agreed. “Yes, I do.” He twitched a little under her unscrupulous stare. 

 

“By any means necessary.”

 

“Yes. He’s doing it without a partner and it’s not safe for him.” Which wasn’t exactly wrong, but not exactly truthful either. Loopholes.

 

“ _ Any means necessary _ ,” Trixie cooed. “I can do that.”

 

“Now, Trixie--”

 

“Too late! Gotta go get some stuff. I’ll be back later!” And off she went. Sportacus hesitated, taking an abortive step after her, but his crystal went off. Because of  _ course _ it did, how convenient. 

 

“Someone’s in trouble,” he muttered, more to himself, and swept off towards the west end of the town. Someone had gotten stuck in their car and their garage door was going down. Not good.

 

\--

 

“This will be fun.” Trixie adjusted her grip on her bike handle and beamed. Stingy was grinning too--at least this they could agree on. 

 

Everyone was dressed for stretching--leggings and sweats and shorts and t-shirts. 

 

“Lets go!” Stephanie took off, excited. She, of course, had no idea of Trixie’s plan. She assumed everyone just wanted to learn Yoga. Pixel of course went along with it because he had a crush on Pinky a mile wide, and Ziggy followed Stephanie like a puppy. Stingy had been hard to convince, but she’d promised him her pudding cup at school the next day for lunch, so he’d agreed.

 

And off they went, their little gaggle of friends heading for Robbie’s lair, unbeknownst to him.

 

\--

 

The little elderly woman he’d helped out of her car before turning it off, had been very sweet. She’d even given him a foam apple as payment, though he...tried not to take it. Apparently she couldn’t tell the difference between it and the real apples in the bowl and that in-and-of itself concerned him.

 

Hopefully she wasn’t eating the fake fruit. 

 

Sportacus had just tossed the decorative food in the trashcan when his crystal went off  _ again _ . This time, though, it projected Robbie right into his mind’s eye. A sinking feeling settled in Sportacus’ gut.

 

“Oh no,” he sighed. “Trixie!”

 

\--

 

“Help!” Robbie wailed. Sportacus was stunned to stillness, at the bottom of the ladder leading into Robbie’s bunker. Robbie himself was up on top of one of his machines, his god-awful mechanical dog barking up a storm and running in circles around the contraptions base. 

 

Stingy was in Robbie’s chair and playing with the reclining feature.

 

Stephanie was chasing Trixie down, who had procured a bottle of--was that whipped cream? Whipped cream, and was running around spraying  _ everything with it _ . Pixel was at one of the computer monitors trying desperately to do something. Sportacus hoped it was turn the dog machine off.

 

“Get your angry midgets  _ out of my bunker _ .”

 

“What is  _ going on _ ,” Sportacus tried to run in three different directions at once. Eventually his mind wrapped around the situation, and he did a quick calculation.

  
Easy.

 

First, Stingy. He flipped that way, snatched the boy up around the middle, and spun up the stairs.

 

Next, the dog. He used his spin--and Stingy’s extra momentum--to kick the mechanical nightmare of a dog into one of the many closets Robbie had for no discernable reason. Then promptly shut the door. 

 

Next, Trixie. He hopped over the railing and set Stingy down on the floor--pointing at him to make sure he got the hint to  _ not move _ \--before spinning away. The can of cream was taken in one hand and Trixie was snatched about the waist with his other arm and deposited promptly next to Stingy. 

 

Stephanie and Pixel made their way over, their apparent crises averted. With a huff, Sportacus tossed the cream towards the kitchen, where it landed in the sink.

 

“Where’s Ziggy?”

 

“...Uh,” Stephanie looked back towards the living room. Ziggy was wrapped up in Robbie’s yoga mat like a burrito, making muffled noises of discontent. Sportacus sighed and went to unravel him and noticed Robbie climbing down out of his peripheral.

 

“Alright,” Sportacus helped Ziggy stand before turning to the kids. “What happened?”

 

“They  _ attacked me _ , that’s what happened,” Robbie snapped. 

 

“I  _ thought _ we were going to learn Yoga,” Stephanie crossed her arms. “And then  _ Trixie-- _ ”

 

“Oh, don’t blame me! Pixel touched the computer!”

 

“Cause you  _ pushed me _ \--”

 

“Alright, alright,” Sportacus held up his hands. “No more fighting. Lets just apologize and go, okay? We can go play a game outside.”

 

“No apology necessary,” Robbie huffed. “Look at this mess--you just. Shoo! Shoo, all of you.” Abruptly, Robbie was shoving Sportacus towards the ladder. “Out!”

 

“Okay, alright, come on kids.”

 

\--

 

Once they were all out and on their way back to town, Trixie broke away to fall back and walk beside Sportacus. She looked pleased. Sportacus felt ten kinds of awful, and a little like he’d let loose a menace on the town. 

 

“Well?” She preened. “What’d’ya think?”

 

“You could have been more subtle,” Sportacus muttered. 

 

“Pft, please. Robbie Rotten doesn’t operate on  _ subtly _ , so subtle wouldn’t have worked.” She pranced a little, clearly proud of herself. She was terrifying. “He vowed to never do yoga again if someone would save him from us, and then you showed up. Tada! Problem solved. Now, about payment. You still grantin’ wishes?”

 

Sportacus narrowed his eyes at her. Oh, sneaky girl.

 

“We’ll discuss the details later,” he offered vaguely. She beamed at him before taking off after Stephanie. These kids were going to be disastrous adults. It would be extremely satisfying to see, not that he’d admit it.

 

\--

 

Robbie stood in the middle of his bunker and observed the mess the monsters and their pointy-eared ringleader had wrought. Cream everywhere. He could still hear that stupid mecha-mutt yapping in the closet. One of his computers was beeping incessantly and his rug was  _ covered _ in candy stickiness. 

 

Interesting, though, that it happened so  _ soon _ after Sportacus left in such a rush. Interesting, too, was the fact Trixie kept asking if Sportacus had showed up yet.

 

Well. Robbie wasn’t above lying. He also wasn’t above revenge.

  
“Oh, Sportacus,” he bent down to pick up the whipped cream can. “You  _ do _ have another weakness, don’t you.”


End file.
